It’s been a while.

Hello. It’s been a while since my last entry here. 7 months? My heart and my emotions feels totally different from the last time I was typing something here. It’s like a 180 degree turn from how miserable I was last year. It was a very long and hard journey for the past few months and very few people knew that I was carrying something really heavy. At work, I was still functioning like usual and sometimes even more workaholic. I couldn’t sit down, I couldn’t stay still, because if I am not doing anything, the overthinking would kill me and I needed to keep myself busy to stop myself from remembering everything I was going through. I needed to keep moving, to keep thinking of something else, to numb the pain, the anger, the sadness that was creeping inside of me.

But hey, fast forward to now. Everything’s totally different. I am thankful I didn’t give up. I am thankful I held onto the little strength I have left after experiencing the worst time of my life. After meeting the worst person I have ever encountered in my life. After the world slapped me with the truth that not all of the people you will meet is genuine and has morals. Before, I have thought of journaling everything I have experienced with my narcissistic ex on this website, but I got tired. It’s taking too much energy from me and it only brings negative energy to myself. And so I thought, why would I waste a lot of my time relieving all the shitty experiences I had with him when I can just divert all my energy and my time into something else worthy? Into something else that would leave a positive impact on my life? There’s still a lot of anger within me, but you know what? The time I decided to focus on finding my purpose, to finding my happiness, everything fell into place. Blessings and opportunities came. A lighter heart, a sense of calmness and peace of mind, I found it all better now. My heart opened up to people and to my environment I have been avoiding when darkness was all I see. When I was so focused on the heaviness in my heart and don’t want to talk to anyone and just be left alone.

But looking back now, I am thankful because the moment I have been looking forward to has almost finally came. I told myself I know it will take me a long time, but I just have to be patient. I just have to keep going. I just have to go through it because that’s the only way. And here I am now. The tears have dried up. The sadness was replaced with a genuine smile and contentment inside of me. I am discovering myself more, loving myself more and definitely happier. I don’t know now how many solo trips I did, solo dates I have been into, motivational quotes I memorized, self help books I read, series and movies I have watched, bible verses I have carved in my heart and therapy sessions I difficultly did just to get on this state. Just to be able to rebuild myself, to get my strength again and heal from everything I have been through. My mental health was the worst last year and physically I was struggling too and I have never really thought that I will be this positive again as I am right now. But I am very thankful of where I am right now. Of the state I am right now. I am very thankful that I am looking forward to do more things, to experience more of this world and to meet people. To still believe in this world that once has disappointed me and really challenged my faith, my heart, my everything. I am thankful because I know there’s a silent hand that helped me and gave me strength on overcoming all of these. I am glad. I am glad that today when I typed the phrase “How are you Mary?” I am smiling and just thankful that I didn’t give up and didn’t lose my grip on Him.